BassTown, Tennessee (April fools)

John Morris has just bought out the city of Memphis.

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BassTown, Tennessee (April fools)

Thomas Edwards, Staff Writer

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According to officials from the most recent city council meeting, owner of Bass Pro Shops, John Morris, has successfully bought out the city of Memphis for $80.0B dollars.

After increasing the tourism rate of Memphis tenfold from purchasing and renovating the old Pyramid Arena, John Morris said he felt “responsible for the well-being of the city and…have decided it would be a better place to settle the headquarters of the company.” Development of the pyramid has continued since opening, including a brand new underground floor that runs log flume subway transportation through the city and an amusement park that runs over, and sometimes through the Mississippi River. This enterprise has extended to other parts of the city too, with spin-off shops dominating the now Bass Pro-controlled Beale Street, now branded Bass Street, and a brand new aquarium in the Memphis Zoo, with numerous species graciously donated by the hike-and-hunt superstore.

People have suspected the company had more than just economic interest in Memphis, and that they were indeed set on overriding the government to create a corporate environment that would drain Memphis of its resources. These people regularly protest near the Pyramid and are known for their constant petitioning for the eviction of the company. Lawsuits trying to battle the growth of Bass Pro Shops have infamously failed one after the other, and these groups have recently diminished following rumors of John Morris’ intentions at the last city hall meeting. There were reports of a mob surrounding the building during the meeting, but it was so small that authorities considered it a non-threat.

As for what John Morris and associated businessmen want to do with Memphis, almost nothing has been said by the CEO or his company. It is widely believed this buyout will be responsible for a massive revitalization of the city and will shift revenue from shipping companies such as FedEx back to Bass Pro Shops. Policies planned to be implemented are yet to reach the minds of citizens and Memphians can only hope that the democratic process stays intact after this buyout. The only information we know definitely is John Morris’ plan to rename the city to a more fitting monicker: BassTown. Jim Strickland plans to step down from his position as city mayor on April 20, and the introduction of John Morris as city mayor will be effective on May 7, or National Tourism Day. While the government of Shelby County will not be directly affected by this change, they will no doubt have to get used to interaction and communication with this new city government.

Personally, I am ashamed of this recent happening and in our now defunct government. How we could steep so low as to succumb to the arms of a multi-billion dollar company is beyond me, and it spits in the face of all the progress we and the people before us have made to make this city great. This may be the straw that finally gets me and my family to move back to Georgia, and I couldn’t find a better reason why. I will not stop writing though—you can still expect many more articles from the coast of St. Simons.

To all the people I leave behind, I hope you find a way by in this dystopian world and eventually retake the land choked by your Bass Pro overlords. I’m not brave enough for the fight, but I do believe you can put up a show I never could. If Memphis is still kicking by the time I’m forty, I promise I’ll come back to work in my hometown and protest if this problem still blights us. Never go to a Bass Pro Shops again.